Susie & Otto '01

 

Menstuff® has compiled information and books on the issue of Relationships. This section is an archive Susie and Otto Collins's weekly column featured daily on our homepage. They are spiritual and life partners who are committed to helping others create outstanding relationships of all kinds. They regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and seminars on love, relationships and personal and spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.

They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit" which has helped people in over a dozen countries improve their relationships. It includes a video called Spiritual Partnerships plus two booklets Love and Relationship Success Secrets and 101 Relationship Quotes Worth a Million Dollars! You can also read more articles like these and subscribe to their weekly newsletter on love and relationships by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com Archive 2001 Updated 9/30/01.

October 1-7
Blame: Letting Go of the need to be "Right"


Have you ever blamed anyone for anything for any reason? Of course! All of us have at one time or another.

Here's the problem with blaming anyone else for anything in your life--When you blame another, you sever the connection of the heart and soul between the two of you.

There are a lot of reasons why blame can happen but it always comes back to one person's need to be right. Yes, there are times when one person is "right" but we've found that if these grudges are carried for any length of time, they can destroy the relationship and can even destroy the person who's "right."

For several years after Otto's divorce from his ex-wife, Otto hung on to the need to be "right." Even though he was the one who left her, in his mind, it was important to him that she take half the responsibility for the marriage not working out. After the divorce, he was outraged because she blamed him totally for the broken relationship. He blamed her for her not taking her share of the responsibility for the relationship not working out. Because both people had such an entrenched attachment to "being right", this presented major communication problems in issues that had to be addressed concerning their son after the divorce.

It wasn't until Otto gave up his attachment to "being right" that communication began to improve. Otto was able to let go of a lot of anger when he let go of the blame. Communication still isn't perfect but they are now able to work through issues without finger-pointing and name-calling.

In our view, when you blame, you have two choices--one is to continue to act out of fear and entrench yourself as the victim, telling all of your friends (over and over) how you were hurt and how angry you are; Or you can begin the healing process by giving up the attachment to the need to be "right" and then spend your time and energy on whatever is necessary to heal the relationship. In some cases, it may not be possible to "heal" the relationship but you will heal yourself when you let go of blame and grudges.

We know this is difficult, especially if there are emotionally charged issues involved. But here's our suggestion--If you find that you've been blaming another or even yourself for a problem in a relationship, stop the negativity. If you want to heal the relationship, spend your time focusing on the solution and how you would like the relationship to be and how you can heal it instead of the problem and how you have been wronged.  

Relationship Quote of the Week

"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past of a pioneer of the future." Deepak Chopra

©2001 by Susie & Otto Collins

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