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Would Al Pacino ever put up with an "Arguer?" Hey Doc, Jade and I have been living together for four months now but tend to fight over the slightest things. She’s very argumentative and never wants to “lose” in anything, even board games! Over time, I’ve found myself giving into her every time we have a confrontation just to avoid the inevitable explosions. Recently I realized that in doing so I had subconsciously given her power over me and now I want to take it back. In the past few weeks I’ve tried talking to her less and doing more of my own thing just to show her that I’m not dependent on her. I’ve also started to engage more (not physically, of course) in the arguments we have to show her I’m not afraid of her -- which I’m not! She seems to have mellowed a little, but I find (or it could just be me) that we’re playing more mind games with each other now. Perhaps she found me to be a Challenge, I don’t know. Here’s an example of what I perceive as a mind game. Jade used to jokingly put me down by saying things like “You’re skinny” or “You look horrible in sunglasses,” but just yesterday I gave her a taste of her own medicine by calling her “lazy” for not making the bed. She definitely didn’t like it and we had a fight over it. She asks for a goodnight kiss every night, but last night, after the fight, I didn’t do it and she didn’t ask for it either. I’m not sure if I’m playing this the right way, and if I’m not, how do I go about it and beat her at her own game (to get her to realize she needs to change)? I like Jade, but I’m at the point where I wouldn’t mind ending the relationship if she suggested it first. On the other hand, I want things to work out between us, but am trying to get her to respect me the way I used to respect her, stop taking me for granted and start showing me her love instead of picking on me. And if it doesn’t work, we’d probably have to go our own separate ways. Thanks for any help you might be able to give me. Norris - who doesn’t want to spend his life fighting Hi Norris, Straight out of the chute you said a mouthful. I can understand some women wanting to get into arguments, but your little hellcat never wants to lose at anything, and that includes the love game. And in her mind, if she’s going to be the winner, somebody’s got to be the loser. Unfortunately, that’s you. Jade – or any clinically sane woman -- should be thinking about the two of you as a team, and you as a teammate, not somebody to compete with. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, “If you want to throw punches, get yourself over to Gleason’s Gym and put on the gloves!” Gee, I can just feel the good vibes flying around your house, pal. It sounds like a real love fest over there. I wonder whose idea it was to move in together? Who asked whom to move in first? I’m betting the house that you were on your knees begging this little hottie to cohabit with you. Why? Because her Interest Level is flimsy. To you Psych majors, the higher her Interest Level, the less she wants to argue. The only exception to this rule is the highly structured woman. Jade will always remember that you gave into her, dude. She’ll never forget that you were born without a spine. Maybe instead of allowing her to take your cojones, you CONSCIOUSLY gave her power over you because your Interest Level is 90% and hers is significantly lower and you’re scared of losing her. This is what most lily-livered guys do. Rather than take a stand, they think short-term and give in, like Chamberlain tried to appease Hitler when the Fuhrer started gobbling up everything around him. I don’t think Challenge is an issue here at all, my friend. Jeez – I’d love to turn invisible and sit in the corner and watch the interaction between you two lovebirds. I’d be able to tell you in two or three minutes exactly what’s going on. But as it is, I can only go by your version of events. If I were to take Jade out and get a couple glasses of wine into her, then I’d get her side of the story. Maybe she would say that you don’t hang the towels at the right angle or you leave dishes in the sink or she has to ask you 10 times to take out the trash. Nevertheless, by your own admission Jade seems to be putting you down with a smile. And when you jump on her for being lazy, you’re not doing it with a smile. I hope you’re not making accusations out of the blue just to get her goat. When you get on her case you’d better have some basis in fact for doing it. And then do it gently. As my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Remember, this is supposed to be love, not war.” But one thing’s for sure -- if you’re calling Jade names for not making the bed and she wants to scrap with you over it, you guys are done. Finissimo. Wow. You two aren’t even married and you’re going at it like cats and dogs over something so trivial? Thank God you don’t have any kids! Like my cousin Brother Love says, “If you’re battling this much in the first four months of living in sin, it’s time to move out of Sin City!” Instead of dreaming up new head games to play with Jade, you should be playing the Yellow Pages game and booking a date for the Bekins moving company. You gave away your soul, Norris. And once a woman has you, you can’t do a 180 and turn over a new leaf, and that’s what you’re trying to do here. What you have to do instead is find yourself a new girl, and next time learn to say NO. The fact that you’re waiting for Jade to end this fiasco shows that you’re a coward. Why don’t you suggest it, tough guy? Why not show her that you’re a real man? As far as “respect” is concerned, what’s obvious to me is that this thing is totally one-sided. You respect her, and not vice-versa. And you’re afraid of her, too, despite your protests to the contrary. Once a woman loses respect for you, it’s over. From that point on, all she’s going to do is practice beating on you like she was trying out to be the drummer for the marching band. You’re in a dream world, Norris. It’s not going to work between you and Jade. It isn’t working and it hasn’t worked. You better wake up, but fast, before you get KO’d. Remember, guys: if she doesn’t think you have a backbone, you will be the punching bag in the relationship. © 2008, DocLove Dot Com Other Relationship Issues, Books I present myself to you in a form suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you. - Luigi Pirandello
Doc Love is a talk
show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his
seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of
women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" He is
the author of the Master Series, available at
www.doclove.com
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