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Is Gene Hackman ever too much of a Challenge? Hey Doc: You are the MAN and thanks for all your great advice! I on the other hand screwed up big time, and, well, all I can say is lesson learned. I am 32 and met a fantastic 21-year-old, Jasmine (Mistake One), but things were great so I went for it. I was a Challenge and she was up for the game. She did all the things that showed (not merely said) that she was totally into me. She was the one to call all the time, initiate plans, send letters and small gifts, etc. I was absolutely into her as well, but played it cool and remained a Challenge. I responded to her overtures but was never proactive (my bad). About six months into the relationship Jasmine starting complaining that I was not giving her enough attention. I shrugged it off and told her that I am a busy guy and that she meant a lot to me but she has to understand my schedule. Everything was fine until two months later when she brought it up again. Once again, I shrugged it off. Well, wouldn't you know it, things started going downhill from there. We fought more and our conversations were less pleasant, in addition to other major red flags. I tried to break things off, but strangely she insisted that we should stay together. Then, out of the blue, she dumped me one month later. My question to you is this: did I take Challenge too far? At what point in the relationship should I have given in and showed her more attention? Wallis - who screwed up and doesn’t know how Hi Wallis, I’m glad you say you learned your lesson. Because that’s the point of my coaching. If you make a mistake, I’m here to point it out to you. And if you can get past your own ego, you’ll learn your lesson and it won’t happen again. But if you keep repeating your blunders, you’ll continue to be unsuccessful with women, get dropped by them and never know why. Don’t be too hard on yourself, Wallis. If you’re 32 years young it’s not a mistake to go out with a beautiful 21-year-old who looks like Monica Bellucci. Heck, you pull that off and you’re going to be a hero among your friends. Everybody at work is going to be paying you accolades. Your buddies are going to be throwing beer on you. But what you can’t do is go charging in and fall in love with her. But you say you “went for it” anyway. Good for you. You should have gone for it. And her response was great. She did everything. So at that point, Wallis, you owned this girl’s heart. Her Interest Level was in the 90s. Perfect. You couldn’t have done any better. And when Jasmine was all over you, you didn’t lose Self-Control, and that’s even better. So why are you saying it was a mistake to never be proactive? You’re contradicting yourself. Hanging back is not your bad. That’s your GOOD, dude. That means she was coming at you all the time. You could have come at her once in a while, but like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “If she’s coming on heavy, why disturb the flow if it’s inbound?” But when Jasmine started complaining that you weren’t giving her enough attention, right then and there you should have said, “Babe, just tell me what you want and I’ll do it!” And if she said, “Well, I want to go dancing Saturday night,” I don’t care how tired you are during the day on Saturday after a long week’s work; you’re taking her, man. Because she was telling you, “Look, I’m in a long-term relationship here and I need something!” And that was the turning point, and you failed to pick up on it. That was your real mistake, Wallis. But of course it all depends on how much attention she needs. If Jasmine has to go dancing every night, then you have what we call a high-maintenance woman, and like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, you should never have gotten involved with her in the first place.” Now let me get this straight. You actually told Jasmine that you were too busy for her on account of your heavy schedule? Okay, let’s say that what you said was true; that you were so busy you could hardly breathe. But we’re talking about romantic love here, buddy. To you Psych majors, you indirectly told this girl that she’s not number one. HUGE, HUGE MISTAKE. But that wasn’t enough. Then you shrugged off her complaint a second time. Wallis, take a look at the title of this article again: WOMEN DON’T LIE AND MEN DON’T LISTEN. I should have your photo up there next to it. Of course things started going straight downhill from there. They always do, don’t they? I can just hear the numbers ticking off as you fell out of grace with the beautiful Jasmine: 95%...85%...75%...65%...55%...then 49%, and it’s the South Pole here we come. Then it was all over. And you can’t really complain, my friend, because she warned you twice. But you didn’t want to listen. You didn’t want to give in. You just wanted to take this girl for granted. You didn’t want to use the DOC LOVE MAINTENANCE PROGRAM and now you’ve had to pay. And how did you pay? By having to suffer the pangs of rejection. You were fighting all over the place and there were lots of major red flags? Oh, is that all? In other words, like my cousin General Love says, “This was just a little bit bigger than the Battle of Gettysburg!” But Jasmine insisted that you stay together. I hope you didn’t give in like 90% of American men would. But you did, didn’t you? And naturally she dumped you a month later after you had the chance to dump her first. But you thought – due to your enormous ego – that the reason she wanted you back was because of high Interest Level. You didn’t realize that she only wanted you back so that she could be the dumper and you could be the dumpee. You almost got out clean, Wallis, but then you went back for a beating. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “She was just holding onto you for a while until she found her next boyfriend!” You didn’t take Challenge too far, Wallis. You took disrespecting Jasmine too far by not being a little more affectionate or romantic when she asked you for it. You should have given in and showed her more attention the first time she brought it up. Now it’s too late. But at least you’ve learned your lesson. Next time you’ll do better. Remember, guys: if her gripe were legitimate, you’d better listen and give her what she wants. © 2007, DocLove Dot Com Other Relationship Issues, Books I present myself to you in a form suitable to the relationship I wish to achieve with you. - Luigi Pirandello
Doc Love is a talk show host, entertainment speaker, and coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?" Archives for 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, and 2000. DocLove will answer all of your romantic
love questions from a man’s perspective. So set your
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