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The 7 Worst Love Zappers and How to Beat Them
We're all familiar with the bug zapper that's been
around for decades--an ultraviolent light that
attracts insects and then electrocutes them,
emitting a sickening sound of frying bug flesh.
While bugs can be annoying, what's even more
lethal in our lives are what we're calling "love
zappers" (unless of course you are allergic to the
sting of the insect).
If we can carry this analogy a little
further...
Just like a bug flying into one of those
zappers--these love zappers can certainly suck the
life out of a relationship and can take you by
surprise because you don't even realize what's
happened until it's too late.
Here are 7 of the worst love zappers and how to
beat them...
Love Zapper #1-- Being "too" critical
Being critical is a habit and a coping strategy,
usually learned early on.
We're not talking about feedback that's asked
for...
We're talking about constant, negative criticism
that creates a dynamic where one person feels
inferior and the other, superior--even though the
person doing the criticizing might not look at it
that way.
The "criticizer" might have the best of
intentions...
But talk about a love zapper!
And then when both people start criticizing each
other, it's a game that's destined to kill any
relationship.
How to beat it?
Before you speak--when criticism bubbles up
inside you--ask yourself if this is your business
or not.
If it is your business, then look inside you and
phrase your words as a request and not as an
indictment against him or her.
Love Zapper #2-- "Too Busy" Love, like a
lot of other things, doesn't grow when it's being
ignored and set aside.
One of the biggest love zappers we see in our
Breakthrough Relationship coaching practice is that
the two people have filled up their lives with
everything but spending time with one another.
They think their love will always be there but
just like a plant that doesn't get watered, it
dies.
How to beat it?
This isn't rocket science...look at your life
and determine what's really important.
Get rid of what's not serving you in the present
and start actually scheduling time for each other.
Love Zapper #3--Blame. Blame is a close
cousin to "being too critical" but deserves a
category all to itself because it's such an instant
love zapper.
Blame can come in the form of verbally blaming
another person for what he or she has or hasn't
done. That person usually either gets defensive and
fights back or shuts down.
Or it can come in the form of mentally blaming
another which is even more deadly because he or she
can't figure out where the distance and antagonism
that you're emitting is coming from and why it's
there.
How to beat it?
Whenever you hear blaming words in your
head--about yourself or others-- stop yourself and
shift your thinking.
Shift your thinking to wondering how you can
resolve whatever issue that has been sparked in
your mind.
Shift your thinking to how you can connect with
the other person rather than push that person
away.
Love Zapper #4--Not committed. Did you
know you could be in a committed relationship and
STILL not be committed?
It's true.
When you aren't fully committed to the
relationship, the other person can feel it, even
though you may not even know it yourself.
Doubt, insecurity and distance are all
created--interfering with communication and
connection.
How to beat it?
Be honest, first to yourself, about what you are
committing to in this relationship.
Whether you're just starting out in your
relationship or you've been together for many
years, as you wake in the morning, make a conscious
choice what you are committed to.
It can be something as simple as "I am committed
to loving you today in my thoughts and my
words."
Love Zapper #5--Resentment This love
zapper is especially apparent when a couple is
trying to repair trust that's been broken.
If trust has been broken, it's certainly wise
for the person who's been hurt to gradually learn
to trust again and only after seeing signs that
changes have been made for the better.
But so often, even though changes have been
made, the person who was hurt can't let go of
resentment.
Now we're not saying this is in any way easy or
that trust should be given automatically after it's
been broken.
Quite the contrary...
But if specific changes are being made and the
desire to make the relationship work is there,
holding onto resentment is certainly a love
zapper.
How to beat it?
If you are the person who was wronged, create
specific ways your partner can regain your
trust--and then acknowledge when that happens.
Love Zapper #6--Assumptions. A big love
zapper is doing something for someone--making an
assumption that it's what the other person
wants--and then expecting certain actions from him
or her in return.
It's the unspoken bargain that can zap the life
right out of a relationship.
How to beat it?
Be up front about your bargains. If you find
yourself assuming that your partner would like you
to do something and then you resent it when you
don't get that in
return or at least some recognition---Stop
yourself and clarify with your partner what the
bargain is. He or she may not even want you to do
what you are assuming he or she wants.
Get clear and then there won't be resentments
and blame that get in the way of creating and
growing your love.
Love Zapper #7. Talking on Eggshells.
Talking on eggshells is what we call not being able
to say what's true for you and make yourself
understood in your relationship.
When you're not able to be "you," you're not
able to allow yourself to open to giving and
receiving love.
How to beat it?
As soon as you start to censor yourself or you
feel yourself being triggered by what your partner
says or does, stop, breathe and make a shift inside
you.
That shift can be something as simple as
remembering that you love the other person and that
you want to connect with him or her.
We invite you to look at your "Love
Zappers"--(whatever they are) and do whatever it
takes to shift them so they're no longer standing
between you and the love and relationship you
really want.
We may have described your "love zappers" that
ring true for you in your relationship and life OR
they may be different from these.
Whatever they are start making changes so you
can stop doing them.
Even if you don't have a partner, or one who
cares about any of this and doesn't want to
participate with you, if you stop doing even one of
your love zappers, you will see a difference in
your life.
Our best,
©2010, Susie
& Otto Collins
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Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
Their new E-book Should You Stay or Should You
Go? has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
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