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Repeating BAD Relationship Patterns
Why do we repeat the same BAD relationship
patterns--even when we know we're doing it ?
We all want great relationships but when it
comes to making the changes that will allow us to
experience something better, something
happens...
Even though we may want to change, most of us
have a tough time doing it!
Even if we know what we need to do, we don't do
it!
Here's a question from a reader that most of us
can identify with because we've all been there--and
maybe even there right now...
Question from a Reader: "Even though we
know what we are doing 'wrong' in the way that we
speak to each other, why do we keep repeating the
same bad patterns. We have gone to counseling, we
have done the personal growth stuff....we can even
manifest some amazing stuff when we are truly "in
tune" with each other...But some days it's as if we
haven't learned anything and we push each others
buttons and we don't listen and we are not 'in the
moment' at all.....WHY AFTER ALL OF THIS LEARNING
AND KNOWING DO WE STILL REPEAT THE WRONG
THINGS..TONES OF VOICE & ASSUMPTIONS?? WHY
HAVEN'T WE TRULY 'GOT IT' ALL THE TIME!!!!"
Our Comments: We want to acknowledge the
two of you for taking action to move from what
holds you back in having a great relationship--and
you can stop beating yourselves up that you haven't
truly "got it" all the time.
None of us get it perfect all of the time.
The trick is to have it better and better more
of the time.
And what a great question--
Why do we keep repeating the same bad
patterns?
The short answer is that it's just more
comfortable and easier to allow yourself to go on
auto-pilot and react from old habits.
It's not so comfortable to challenge old habits,
thoughts, ideas and fears--and go beyond the edge
of what's "comfortable."
Somewhere inside us, we "know" what this
habitual way of being will bring us (even if it's
negative) and are not sure what making a change
will bring.
We humans are creatures of habit--and even
though on the outside, we may look like we're
industrious, productive and innovative--most of us
are quite lazy.
We're lazy in an unconscious way.
When we're tired, stressed or triggered, we go
on "default" and whatever old tapes we're still
carrying around with us get played.
Here's what we mean...
Let's take the "tone of voice" that comes out
when you least expect it--and you know separates
you from your loved one.
Both of us have struggled with this one.
It just seems to come out all on its own and we
have no control over it.
Or do we?
When the two of us took a close look at what was
happening at those times when we each had a tone of
voice that made whatever tension there was between
us worse---
We realized that even though we each had a tone
of voice that said "I'm right (superior)--You're
wrong (inferior)"--at those times, we were actually
feeling fearful or threatened.
We were actually afraid that we wouldn't get
what we wanted and that "tone of voice" was an
unconscious way that we had learned to get what we
wanted.
Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't--and
even if it didn't, it all seemed to happen by
default or habit.
If you want to stack the odds of creating a
closer and more connected relationship in your
favor, we suggest that you pick up a copy of our
"Restart The Spark" program that's available here
http://www.RestartTheSpark.com
Here are a few suggestions from that program
that have been helpful for us in our relationship
as well many of our relationship breakthrough
coaching clients...
1. Look at your desire to change. Now be honest
with yourself. How important is it to you to make
the change that you know you need to make?
We've discovered that the payoff for changing
has to be really, really good in order to make
changes in our habits.
Your relationship is a lot like your
health...
If your doctor told you that it was likely you
would go into kidney failure soon unless you
changed your diet, if you had a strong desire to
live an active life, we're guessing that the payoff
would be so great that you would make the changes,
even though they might be difficult.
Be honest with yourself what's in it for you if
you change.
2. Make your commitment. Make an honest
commitment with each other about how you want your
relationship to be and what you're each going to do
to make it that way.
Are you going to slip up?
Of course you are.
Making changes is just like learning to ride a
bike--you usually don't learn in one try.
When your body finally gets the knack of what it
takes to keep the bike upright and going forward,
you get it!
But you have to be committed to keep trying and
keep discovering what may be holding you back.
3. Tackle your beliefs. Part of discovering what
may be holding you back is really looking at your
beliefs.
Let's go back to our "tone of voice"
challenge...
When we got to the bottom of our beliefs that
were underneath all that rightness and superiority,
we realized the unconscious belief was that we had
to "puff" ourselves up bigger than we were to prove
a point, get listened to and get what we
wanted.
Unconsciously, we believed that we weren't
enough without all this "puffing up" as we call
it.
When we both saw what we were doing, we could
practice recognizing when the desire to "puff up"
came on us, stop ourselves, and choose to listen
and stay open instead.
As we said before, this didn't happen overnight
but we rarely, if ever, use the "tone of voice"
with each other anymore.
4. Create your Restart the Spark plan. Sit down
together and actually come up with a plan how
you're going to change in situations that come up
over and over.
Write down what happens when you each get
triggered, your particular "relationship dance" and
what you each are each going to do to change.
Be sure to include why you are making these
changes and your payoff.
Open to embodying your learning by tuning into
your body to discover what's underneath all of your
actions that keep the two of you separate.
Open to having the courage to stop yourself when
you feel yourself going into your old habit.
Open to being kinder to yourself and to your
partner.
Talk to you again soon...
©2009, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
 Their
new E-book Should You Stay or Should You Go?
has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
See Archives 2006,
2005,
2004,
2003,
2002
and 2001.
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