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The7 Most Dangerous Relationship Lies You May
Be Telling Yourself
If we're really honest, we all lie to ourselves at
one time or another.
Sometimes we lie to ourselves to not hurt
someone we love and sometimes we lie to ourselves
because if we really looked at our "truth," it
might require us to make some choices that we may
not want to make.
These lies can be big or they can be small.
In the past, from old habits, Susie has kept
some bits of information from Otto so as not to
hurt his feelings and it's only backfired on her.
She found that it only built walls between the
two of us to keep information from him but when the
truth came out, her imagined scenario was much
worse than what actually happened.
The lie she told herself was that holding back
the truth was easier than telling something
uncomfortable to someone you love.
So how about you?
Are there any big or even little lies you tell
yourself that might be preventing you from having a
deeper connection and love with someone else?
Here are 7 dangerous relationship lies you may
be telling yourself and some tips on how to start
telling your truth...
1. "My relationship will be fine without
putting much effort into it." Many couples put
their intimate relationship behind everything else
when they set priorities for their lives.
You have to decide that the relationship is
important in your life and give it the time and
attention it needs. As we've said before, it
doesn't matter what you say or intend about your
relationship.
Your actions are what speak the loudest.
Tip: Look at your actions in your relationship
and make sure that they are congruent with what you
say your intentions are. Are you spending enough
time and energy on the relationship?
2. "If I focus on what I don't like in my
partner, he or she will change." The problem with
this lie is that we truly do get more of what we
focus on. So if we focus on what we don't like, we
just get more of it.
For evidence, just look at what happens in your
life!
Tip: Stop when you start to criticize with words
or even in our mind. Turn your thinking to what
you like about the person and begin to see how your
relationship gets better.
3. "He/She loves me so I can treat him/her this
way." Very often, people in relationships treat the
people closest to them worse than they treat
acquaintances or even total strangers.
They think that because a person "loves" them,
they can say or do whatever they want.
We've found that this is exactly the opposite of
what needs to happen to feed and keep love alive.
Tip: This week, do something kind for someone in
your life that you wouldn't normally do and without
expectation of anything in return.
4. "I don't have to tell him/her I love him/her
and that I appreciate what he/she does for me. It's
understood." One of the biggest lies we tell
ourselves is that when we get into a committed
relationship is that we can leave appreciation at
the door.
Appreciation should be understood. Right?
Nothing could be further from the truth.
You may be thinking that you need to say "thank
you" and just haven't taken the time or energy to
do it. We urge you to make a habit of expressing
appreciation. If you do, you'll find your
relationships to be filled with much more happiness
and joy.
Tip: Look at what someone special does for you
or what they mean to you and say a word of
appreciation about it to them. It might be
something as simple as "I like your smile" or
"Thank you for cooking dinner last night."
5. "I don't have to ask for what I want. He/she
SHOULD already know." Most people expect the people
who are in relationship with them to be mind
readers.
If you're expecting others to be psychics,
you're in for a painful ride if you're in
relationship with them. If you want your needs to
be met, you have to tell people what these needs
are.
You also have to tell them in a way that they
can hear them. Sometimes this takes courage, but we
know that when you clearly ask for what you want,
you bypass assumptions, resentments and
miscommunications.
Tip: What desire have you been putting off
communicating to another person? Whether it's a
desire to have more "dates" alone, more romance,
more help around the house, a promotion at work, or
a dinner date with a friend, the only way you'll
get any of these things is to ask.
6. "My way is the right way and you're wrong."
Be open to the possibility that someone else's
opinion or way of doing things may be just as valid
or important as yours.
Just because their way is different, doesn't
make them or you wrong. If you're constantly
judging, being defensive and building walls, you're
not open to possibilities and to the love that is
possible between two people.
Tip: Choose someone who always seems to push
your "buttons" and makes you angry or you always
judge. During one conversation, just listen to this
person without judging them with words or even in
your mind.
What did you discover?
7. "I need to protect myself from being hurt by
holding part of ME back from others." We can be in
a relationship for many years and still not allow
another person to penetrate our walls of
protection.
If you want to have relationships that are alive
and growing, being willing to risk is a
prerequisite.
Tip: Examine what walls you've built to keep
others out. It might be that you "close down" and
retreat when there's conflict between the two of
you.
It might be that you are afraid to ask for what
you want. We invite you to choose one relationship
where you are fearful or get triggered easily and
exercise the courage to take a risk and say one
thing that is real and true for you to this person.
These 7 lies are not the only ones that prevent
you from having a relationship that's alive and
growing but understanding not believing them is a
good place to start.
Our best to you,
©2010, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
Their new E-book Should You Stay or Should You
Go? has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
See Archives 2009,
2008,
2007,
2006,
2005,
2004,
2003,
2002
and 2001.
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