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4 Little Words That Silently Kill
Relationships
There are four words that almost NO one actually
says out loud but millions of men and women sure
think this about their spouse or partner.
What's underneath these four words can literally
suck the life and passion out of an otherwise good
relationship.
That's why we say these four words are silent
relationship killers.
We know this sounds dramatic and we know what
you're probably thinking...
If they're almost never spoken, how do they kill
relationships?
Good question.
Glad you asked.
They kill relationships because they represent
the predominant thought one person has for
another--and what isn't spoken can be just as
powerful or even more so than what is spoken.
What are these 4 dangerous words?
They are, "I don't trust you."
Before you think all we're talking about is what
happens because of an affair, infidelity or one or
both partners cheating on each other...
We'll tell you that you certainly might feel
like that if you've been lied to or cheated on but
there's much more to it when it comes to those four
little words...
"I don't trust you..."
What we're talking about is taking you a little
deeper into the whole idea of trust in an intimate
relationship.
The idea of "I don't trust you" and a lack of
trust can play out in a million different ways in a
relationship.
For example...
- I don't trust you to bring home your share
of the money to pay our bills
- I don't trust that you'll be home on time
for dinner as you said you would
- I don't trust that you'll not spend us into
debt
- I don't trust that you'll watch the kids the
way I do
- I don't trust that you'll do the laundry and
not ruin my shirts
- I don't trust that you'll be open to making
love with me tonight
- I don't trust that you'll be honest with
me
You get the idea...
And if you're honest with yourself, you can
recognize where you've had those thoughts over and
over about the person you love--we certainly
have.
While these thoughts of "I don't trust you" are
pretty normal, it's important for you to become
aware of them because of how they can negatively
impact your relationship.
Early in our relationship, Otto would tell Susie
every now and then that she didn't trust him in
certain ways. She denied it but it turned out that
when she really looked at her thoughts, it was
true.
She didn't trust him in certain ways that had
nothing to do with him cheating.
But her mistrust could have driven a huge wedge
between the two of us if we hadn't talked it
out.
If mistrust becomes your predominant thought
about your partner, you're automatically building
walls between the two of you.
The other person feels your doubt and can
withdraw or become angry, leaving the two of you
with a lot that's left that's unsaid.
And these walls affect your communication, your
openness to intimacy, and whether your love grows
or dies.
One of the agreements the two of us made at the
beginning of our relationship was that if we were
upset with something that the other had said or
done, we would talk first with him or her and not
first with people outside our relationship.
That wasn't always the case in our previous
relationships and we paid the price of
disconnection and the eventual end of those
relationships.
We didn't trust that our previous partners would
listen to what we had to say and that we could
calmly talk about whatever we needed to--so we
talked to other people instead of our partners.
So what do you do if you have the thought that
you don't trust the other person to do or not do
whatever it is that's your issue--and you have good
reason for your mistrust?
You may have had that experience with this
person in the past and you can't turn your back on
the idea that it will probably happen again.
Or your lack of trust might have nothing to do
with your partner but rather experiences you've had
in past relationships and as you were growing
up.
How can you stop saying to yourself "I don't
trust you" when you really don't trust him or
her?
If you've identified some places in your
relationship and in yourself where you don't trust
and you don't want to continue to allow this
mistrust to come between the two of you--even
something very small...
1. Identify what and who you really don't trust.
Look within for the real issues of your mistrust
which may have started long before your current
partner.
Take out pen and paper and write the words "I
don't trust you because..." and then keep writing
anything that comes into your mind.
Just keep writing and see what comes up.
2. Identify the source of your trust problem. If
it turns out that you need to do some forgiving of
someone in your past, remember that you are
forgiving for YOU and not condoning what the person
did--assuming that you are no longer being
subjected to those actions anymore.
Actively choosing to no longer be tied to these
wrongs that were done to you can be extremely
freeing. You may need the help of a qualified
therapist or coach to support you in this
process.
3. In order to start trusting another person,
you have to get in your mind what he or she has to
do to become trustable to you. So start making your
list and be specific.
4. Be courageous and talk with your partner
about what's been holding you back and ways you've
been mistrusting him or her. Create some agreements
and plans to move from mistrust even if it's about
something very insignificant.
One of issues of trust for us has been keeping
our home straightened up, especially with Otto's 21
year old son living with us.
One of the "Magic Words" phrases that we use is
"Tell me your plan for ________."
Instead of worrying about whether whatever is in
question will be put away or not., this phrase
opens up communication instead of resentment.
Our suggestion to you is to make sure you don't
allow hidden mistrust to silently kill your love
for each other.
Take action and bring more love into your
life.
Our best to you,
©2010, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
Their new E-book Should You Stay or Should You
Go? has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
See Archives 2009,
2008,
2007,
2006,
2005,
2004,
2003,
2002
and 2001.
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