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"When Is Flirting a Good Thing?"
Whether you're single, married, or in a committed
relationship...The fact is--most of us have done
our share of flirting (even though we may not have
called it that) in our lives.
Flirting can be a good thing for relationships
and yet...
Flirting is one of the biggest challenges for
couples today and it's also one of the biggest
reasons so many people don't trust their partners
or spouses (even when everything is so good between
the two of them.).
Flirting that's gone too far is also one of the
things we help you solve in our "Relationship Trust
Turnaround" program that is available here...
Relationship Trust Turnaround
When you (or anyone is flirting) even if you
don't recognize your motivation at the time, it's a
way to get some need (s) met.
The question becomes--Is flirting harmful or
healthy?
The answer is both...
When one of our newsletter subscribers wrote in
to ask us what we thought about flirting, we
thought it was a great topic that many people in
committed relationships have challenges around,
especially when it involves co-workers, friends or
people you meet in social situations.
When it comes to flirting...
It's fun, exciting and we do it all the time in
our relationship.
It creates more passion, more love and more
desire.
We call this a good thing.
The dictionary defines flirting as "to behave
amorously without serious intent" and "to deal
lightly." We define flirting as focusing
attention on another person with the intention to
get some need of yours met.
In our opinion, in most cases when you flirt,
you are sending out "feelers" to find out how
receptive the other person is to you and whether
this person will and can give you what you are
wanting.
Maybe it's just a smile, laugh, a stroke for
your ego, or conversation (it could be sexual
stimulation) that you want--whatever it is, we all
flirt to get something in return whether we know it
or not. It could be that flirting helps you feel
alive.
If you are not violating agreements in a
committed relationship and not violating any
boundaries of the person you are flirting with, it
can be healthy and fun. The challenges begin when
agreements are violated and/or the flirting becomes
unwelcome attention.
So what's the difference between flirting and
just being friendly?
When you are being friendly, the intention may
be to connect with the other person on some level
without a sexual agenda or without having a strong
desire for your personal needs to be met--except
for the need for friendship.
When you are flirting, there is an unspoken (or
spoken) need of some kind that you are wanting the
other person to fill.
We both have flirted with other people when we
were single and when we were in our previous
marriages.
For her, as Susie looks back on those times, she
realizes that she flirted to ultimately get her
previous husband's attention and to feel
attractive. There was a lack within her that moved
her to attract the attention of other men. She was
trying to fill herself up by looking outward to
others instead of finding it within herself.
In hindsight, Otto now understands that he
flirted to get unmet wants and needs met. In many
cases, he didn't even realize what he was doing.He
just thought that he was having some innocent fun
and a good time. Sometimes this flirting turned out
to create some challenges for him that took some
real explaining.
You may find it interesting to know that as in
love and connected as we are, the two of us do not
wear wedding rings. Rings symbolize commitment but
also we think they are meant to be an outward
signal that the person wearing one is unavailable
for a committed or sexual relationship or whatever
the couple has agreed on.
When we made our marriage commitment to each
other, our intention was that we would move through
our lives in such a way that everyone we came in
contact with would know that we were committed to
each other. In other words, the rings wouldn't be
necessary as an outward symbol of our love and
affection for each other.
The point is not to encourage you to throw away
your rings or to not include them in your
commitment to each other if you are in a committed
relationship, but to encourage you to look
underneath at your intentions and motivations for
all of your actions, including flirting.
If flirting is a problem for you, you might want
to ask yourself these questions to help you sort
out what's going on inside you--
- Are there needs and desires within me that
are unfulfilled?
- Are there wants, needs, desires or interests
unfulfilled and missing in my committed
relationship?
- Why am I flirting, how do I feel when I'm
doing it and what do I want to get out of doing
it?
- Are there some other ways I can get those
needs met?
If you are in a committed relationship and you
are flirting with others or your partner is
flirting with others and this is causing distance
and disconnection between the two of you, take this
opportunity to focus on your needs and how they can
possibly be filled in ways that strengthen your
relationship instead of possibly destroying it.
So, when is "flirting" a good thing?
It's a "good" thing to flirt with your partner
when you want to build passion, mystery and
intrigue in your relationship.
In our relationship, we "flirt" with each other
all the time. It makes our relationship more
alive.
What we've discovered is that flirting can mean
adoration, honoring and can build passion between
two people and can be very healthy. It can also
serve as a wake up call if you are in a committed
relationship and are violating agreements within
your relationship.
The challenge with "flirting" is to always make
sure that it's appropriate to be building passion,
mystery and intrigue with the person that you're
flirting with.
Our best,
©2009, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
 Their
new E-book Should You Stay or Should You Go?
has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
See Archives 2006,
2005,
2004,
2003,
2002
and 2001.
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