|
Why It Pays To NOT Be Honest In Relationships
What a double-edged sword the truth can be!
We all say we want to be "truthful" and to be
told the truth..
Or do we really?
If we're really honest with ourselves about our
relationships, when it comes down to it, the
"truth" we usually want to hear is the one we agree
with.
The "truth" is that in most relationships--
One or both of you dance around the truth or
omit things that are important to you because you
don't think your partner will like them or will get
upset
When you do this, you are putting up walls to
intimacy and barriers to deeper connection--no
doubt about it.
But you don't want to hurt the other person with
honesty, right?
So what we ALL do to greater or lessor degrees
in our relationships is to NOT tell the "whole"
truth with the people in our lives and most
importantly-- we don't usually want them to tell us
the whole truth either--especially if it's
uncomfortable to hear it.
If everybody was completely honest (judgments
included) in ALL their communication, it might just
be too painful.
So, what we're saying is...
If we're really honest with ourselves, there's a
payoff for not being completely honest in our
relationships.
We get to make sure we don't hurt anyone and
they won't hurt us as well.
But is this NOT being completely honest good or
bad for creating close, connected relationships?
This leads us to a question around this topic
that we're guessing you can identify with--because
we've coped with this one ourselves and it's also a
question that many of our "Relationship
Breakthrough" Coaching clients have had as well...
Question from a Reader:
"How do you keep honesty and intimacy in
relationships without becoming upset when told the
truth?"
Our Comments:
We all know that it's a piece of cake to be
honest with someone or to really hear what another
person says if you think the message is something
you both agree with and neither one of you finds
objectionable.
It's EASY to be truthful.
But what if you have to tell someone something
that might be upsetting or even make that person
angry?
And what if someone tells you something that
you'd rather not hear or believe?
Not as comfortable to tell or hear the truth,
right?
It's the way many of us are made up--to not want
to be hurtful and to get along.
But what happens when we disagree with
someone--someone we love--or he or she disagrees
with us?
Some of us hint at the truth or completely
ignore it, hoping that it will go away without ever
letting the other person know how we really
feel--just to keep the peace or any other
reason.
When this happens, what it really does is push
the two of you further from love, intimacy and
connection.
When the two of us first came together, we made
an agreement that we would be totally honest with
each other so that we could keep our passion and
connection alive.
We had both done it the other way and knew that
it didn't work so we wanted to be sure we didn't
make that same mistake twice.
It sounded like a good agreement but when we
started putting it into practice, it wasn't as easy
as it seemed--even though there was and is great
love between us.
Like a lot of people, it took a lot of courage
to find out what was true inside us and then to say
that truth so that the other could hear it.
And hearing it was another story...
When faced with being told something
uncomfortable about ourselves, what you might
imagine happened to us too...
We got defensive and either shut down, got
quiet, withdrew or got angry and sarcastic.
Pretty typical response, right?
When faced with the "truth" that we didn't
necessarily agree with, we fell into old
patterns--just like most people--even though we had
made this wonderful agreement.
What did we do to get out of our old habits and
do it differently?
Here are some ways we learned to stay open to
each other, even when it's been tough, so that we
could build our trust, connection and
intimacy...
1. Recognize that you have a "story" and your
partner has a "story"--and that's what they both
are--stories.
We all have very different ways of viewing the
world and if we are to be in relationships with
each other--especially intimate ones--we have to
stop expecting that we'll all think exactly alike
all of the time.
It just isn't so.
When you recognize that you have a viewpoint
that might be different from the other person's
that is made up of very different life experiences,
you can be a little more open to just finding out
what makes them tick--instead of trying to defend
yourself and your ideas.
2. Recognize that you always have choice. Just
because your partner says something about you or
something that he or she thinks has to happen or
not happen--you still have choice.
We defend when we think we don't have
choice.
When the two of us remembered that very simple
idea, we stopped being so defensive and could
listen to one another at a deeper level.
3. Listen to hear if you can find any truth to
what's being said, even though it might be painful
to hear.
There have been times when Susie would say
something to Otto (or to someone else) and she
didn't realize that sometimes her comments
sounded "bossy" and "controlling."
When it was pointed out to her, of course she
would get defensive.
Because of our agreement, she learned how to
stop herself by taking some deep breaths and
stopping the words she normally said in
defense.
In her mind, she learned to rewind the tape of
the incident. Usually she could see how her
comments could have been taken that way, although
that wasn't her intention.
When she thought about it... and located that
truth, she said one of the "Magic Words" or phrases
that we teach. She said..."You are right. I can see
how you might feel that way although it wasn't my
intention."
And then she told Otto (or the other person)
what she was feeling when she said those "bossy"
words and used that particular tone of voice.
She was honest about what was inside her and
what she was feeling.
Each time the two of us share in this way, we
create deeper intimacy and truth between us.
We've found that it all starts with stopping
yourself from what you habitually do when you feel
threatened, treated wrongly or misunderstood.
In doing this, we in no way suggest that you are
to become someone's "door-mat."
It's really just the opposite when you stop
yourself from getting muddled in defensiveness,
anger or fear.
We've found that when you do change from your
old habits, you are able to speak more clearly,
understand one another and create deeper love
between the two of you.
So does it pay to not be honest in your
relationships?
It pays if you want to remain distant from
others.
If you want to create more passion, intimacy and
connection--it doesn't/
Our best,
©2009, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
 Their
new E-book Should You Stay or Should You Go?
has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
See Archives 2006,
2005,
2004,
2003,
2002
and 2001.
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Contact
Us |
Disclaimer
| Privacy
Statement
Menstuff®
Directory
Menstuff® is a registered trademark of Gordon
Clay
©1996-2009 Gordon Clay
|
