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This Is Far Worse Than Anyone Ever Thought...
(and It Could Be Destroying Your Relationship)
There is a very simple problem (but one that is not
so simple to fix) that plagues nearly everyone and
the problem is much bigger than you might think...
In fact, most people don't think of themselves
as having this problem at all--but they do.
The fact is...Almost everyone has this problem.
It just plays out differently for each of us.
So what's this big problem we're talking about
here?
The problem is..."fear" ...
And before you start thinking that this isn't an
issue for you, consider this...
Has fear ever stopped you cold in your tracks
from doing something that you knew would be good
for you to do if you just did it?
If we're totally honest, all of us have felt
this kind of fear from time to time--and if we
didn't act, we realized we missed a great
opportunity because of it.
This paralyzing fear can happen in any part of
our lives and can cause problems but it can really
be damaging to our relationships.
When fear holds us hostage in our relationships,
it very plainly shuts off possibilities and
connection.
One place fear shows up with our loved ones is
the way we communicate with them.
If fear is keeping you from saying what's true
for you, if you hold back from saying what's on
your mind with anyone (especially a spouse or
intimate partner)...
But let's back up a little...
Why is it so important to take a look at fear
and the role that it plays in our relationship and
life?
As one of our teachers said, "Fear causes us to
place bets on losing instead of winning."
The problem with this is...
When "losing" or "fear of losing" or fear of any
kind becomes what you focus on rather than what
both you and your partner want-- then you almost
always get more of what you fear or don't want.
We restrict and constrict ourselves instead of
being open to possibilities when we're fearful.
When we're constricted, hold back and withdraw
because of fear, there's no way we can have the
connection, communication and love that most of us
want with others.
According to some teachers, there are three
types of fear in our modern world where most of us
don't worry about getting eaten by gigantic beasts
or where our next meal is coming from...
1. Fear of rejection
2. Fear of failure
3. Fear of being wrong
These fears show up in our thoughts, in our
emotions and in our physical body--and we're mostly
unaware when they do.
It's automatic.
Fear of rejection can come up when you decide
that you want to reach out to your partner in a
more physical way than what's normal for the two of
you.
Fear of failure can come up when you feel like
every relationship you've been in has been a
disaster and you don't want to open yourself to
trying again.
Fear of being wrong can come up when you keep
quiet instead of giving your opinion because you're
afraid you'll look stupid or the other person will
make you wrong.
You withhold yourself and say something like
"Anything you want" or "I don't care" when you
really do care.
When you're fearful, you default to faulty,
addictive behaviors that certainly don't serve you
or your relationship.
The problem with all this is that solutions
can't possibly bubble up to the surface if fear is
holding a lid on them.
We can't even think straight let alone allow
ideas to emerge that actually might help the
situation we're in.
Now of course, fear can be a good thing to
protect us from doing something stupid like putting
our hand on a hot stove or driving 120 mph on the
freeway.
But when it comes to our relationships, fear
really blocks what we'll call inspired action that
we need to take if we want to create the best
relationship possible.
So what do you do when fear comes up because
it's very real and needs to be paid attention
to?
Here are a few ways for you to start recognizing
and transforming fear in your relationships and
start creating more of what you want...
1. Recognize what "fear" feels like in your
mind, body and emotions.
Susie might feel fear in her stomach (which is a
normal place to feel it) but also her shoulders
will get tight.
If she listens to her random thoughts at those
times, she might hear a lot of
negativity--something like "It'll never change" or
"He doesn't really understand me."
When she recognizes any of these things
happening, she knows she's gone into a fear
spiral.
Look at yourself and what might be your fear
spiral.
What do you tell yourself?
What are you feeling in your body?
2. Imagine a positive outcome. Most of the time,
when we're in the throes of fear, all we can think
of is what's wrong and what could go wrong.
What would happen if at those times, we switch
our thoughts to this--that it's just as possible to
have a positive outcome.
What if we imagine the other person actually
staying open and listening to us when communication
has been shaky at best in the past?
What if we began to see the other person in a
new light--thinking more about what's going right
than what's going wrong?
This doesn't mean ignoring when you need to take
action because you're being abused in any way.
If you're being abused, it's more important than
ever for you not to let fear paralyze you but
rather find ways to calm yourself, switch your
thinking and allow solutions to come to you.
Imagining a positive outcome for yourself can
mean creating a picture of what you want for the
two of you and what you want for yourself.
3. Get the help you need to take action. If
communication is an issue for you and your partner,
Magic Relationship Words can help you say it right
so the two of you stay open to each other.
If fear has really got you in its grip and you
can't quite breakthrough, you may want to work with
us as your coach or find a therapist.
You can also ask a friend to help you become
accountable in making the changes you want.
Let's say that you want to start speaking up
about finances with your partner. The two of you
haven't seen eye to eye and you've either left
financial decisions to your partner or he/she has
left them to you.
Fear has kept you from rocking the teetering
boat but you know that it's driving a wedge between
the two of you.
Let's say you decide that you want to talk with
your partner openly about finances and that would
require you to ask for a time that the two of you
could sit down and go over the family budget
together.
You can tell your friend that you are going to
ask your partner for that meeting on a certain date
and you want your friend to hold you accountable if
you don't take that step on that date.
You can reward yourself when you do take action
and also tell your friend when you have so she or
he can be your cheerleader and support you.
There are many ways to start breaking through
fear that keeps us isolated and unloved.
We invite you to look at where fear is freezing
you and to take the steps that will allow you to
move out of it to a whole new level of authenticity
and love.
Our best to you,
©2010, Susie
& Otto Collins
Other Relationship Issues,
Books
Susie
and Otto Collins are spiritual and life partners
who are committed to helping others create
outstanding relationships of all kinds. They
regularly write, speak and conduct workshops and
seminars on love, relationships and personal and
spiritual growth to audiences all across the USA.
They are the creators of the "Relationship Toolkit"
which has helped people in over a dozen countries
improve their relationships. It includes a video
called Spiritual
Partnerships plus two
booklets Love
and Relationship Success
Secrets and
101
Relationship Quotes Worth a Million
Dollars! You can also
read more articles like these and subscribe to
their weekly newsletter on love and relationships
by visiting their web site at www.collinspartners.com
Their new E-book Should You Stay or Should You
Go? has just been released and is now available
www.stayorgo.com
See Archives 2009,
2008,
2007,
2006,
2005,
2004,
2003,
2002
and 2001.
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