Mentors

Menstuff® is actively compiling information and resources on mentors and mentoring. As Michael Meade said, "If we don't initiate our young men, they will burn down the culture." Photos above - left icon by Sven Gillsater and right icon by Carole Patterson.

Men in Schools - for Boys
Youth Rage
He Played the Game
Take this quiz - Then Consider Becoming a Mentor
Sexism
Building a Sweat Lodge
Performing the Sweat Lodge Ritual
The Vision Quest

Related Issues: Talking With Kids About Tough Issues
Books on Mentoring, Ritual - Initiation and Ritual - Vision Quest.

Men in Schools - for Boys

I spoke with Dave because the men of BTMVA have recently completed a site-based pilot program for boys at the local Tomahawk Creek Middle School. That pilot program consisted of BTMVA men, and occasionally Journeymen, being in a support group circle with selected boys from the school. It ran for an hour each week during the 2011-12 school years.

I really like the school-based model of supporting boys because it provides a perfect and regular location, supportive school teachers and other staff, access to parents, and especially because it solves the big problem of getting adolescent males all physically located in one place.

In the following interview, I asked Dave about the experience, how it got started, what did he learn, and most importantly, did it work for the men and boys involved.

Earl: How did you get connected with the Tomahawk Creek Middle School?

Dave: My partner just happens to be the Librarian at the school. She connected me with the Principal, who then put me in touch with the Assistant Principal who was the coordinator of their Leadership Development program. They all really liked the idea of a program that had adult men involved with their boys.

Earl: Once you got those connections, were there any major bureaucratic hurdles or approvals necessary to proceed?

Dave: Not really. Our own rigorous background checking process to screen men for our BTMVA program met their security needs. All of our participating men did fill out the school volunteer forms. The biggest early challenge was how to fit a group like ours into the school schedule.

Earl: So what did the pilot program look like and how did you select the boys?

Dave: We started out utilizing a block of time that was already allocated to their PACK program. PACK stands for Peers Acting with Care and Kindness. It’s a social skills development program, so our program was perfect for that slot. Our pilot program commitment was for the full school year, meeting on average three Wednesdays a month, from 8-9 AM. That time slot allowed for the men who could flex their work day to attend the morning sessions.

The boys for the pilot were recommended by the school’s teachers, counselors, and the Assistant Principal. Some were kids having behavioral issues or boys who the staff felt would most benefit from this experience. Twenty-four middle school boys, age 12-16, were initially selected.

Earl: Prior to launch did you have any communication with the parents of the recommended boys?

Dave: Yes. We put together a one-page overview of the program, and the Principal put a supportive cover letter on it and sent it to the parents. In the letter, the boys and parents were told our school-supervised program would include regular meetings with a variety of male role models who will, “. . . show up consistently, tell the truth about their struggles as men, ask the boys what kind of men they want to be, praise them for their unique gifts, support them when they screw up, and encourage them to become the good men they all want to be.” We explained that, in addition to the weekly meetings at school, there would also be a 48-hour Rite of Passage Adventure Weekend at the end of the program. The boys were invited to attend an initial meeting, and 22 out of 24 recommended boys showed up.

Earl: So how did that initial program go over?

Dave: Earl, you know how powerful these circles can be, especially for young guys who have never experienced honest, open, caring, and vulnerable men. We did our standard Journeyman Circle format with men and Journeymen speaking personal truth on topics we know are big for these kids. That had the boys wide-eyed and sitting on the edge of their seats.

Almost immediately, many of them began to participate and support each other. After that first circle, permission slips were handed out for the boys to take home, and thirteen boys came back the next week. A couple more showed up a few weeks later after hearing about the program from their peers.

Earl: How many men do you have anchoring these weekly groups?

Dave: We typically have 4-5 men who show up. Initially, there were three women counselors from the school, but after the second session, they (wisely) stepped out and recruited the male band teacher. He came to 90% of the sessions and added a lot.

Earl: Does each session have a specific content focus / topic or do you just go with what the young guys bring?

Dave: We do have a series of themes we are prepared to offer in a program that gradually ramps up the importance of the topics discussed in the circle. We know the issues these young guys are living with, like bullying, divorce, grief, drugs, and more, so we can target these topics if they don’t show up naturally.

It’s amazing though, how quickly this age group is willing to go deep. After hearing from men and Journeymen, the personal vulnerability bar quickly gets set pretty high. Just as beautiful is how naturally the boys in the circle pick up the ability to be supportive for each other. In every group there are moments when kids will offer verbal or other kinds of support for a peer who is struggling.

Next year we’ll have returning kids from this year’s group, who are comfortable in our circle, and they will have been through our powerful Rite of Passage weekend too. This will really help us to set the tone for the new kids. These guys really like belonging to a tribe where other men and boys can be trusted and have their back . . . where the really feel safe.

Being part of a support group that shares feelings and understands yours, having mentors to help you realize that you’re accountable for your actions, having a shoulder from a peer when you need one and being a shoulder for your friends to lean on...these are things that have been shown and validated to my son thru Boys To Men. He’s learned that people do care, it’s not just a bunch of talk. He now truly realizes that he’s never alone.

Christine B. (Jaired’s mom)

Earl: So how about sharing a few of your big lessons after your first year.

Dave: Well there are several.

At the top for me are how important it is that we did this at all. Like so much of this work, there have been huge gains for the kids, the school, families, and considerable impact on the men involved.

Getting enough time from the school to do the program is hard. The school has a lot of other important things to accomplish. With 15- 20 males in the group, we really needed more than an hour. We’re thinking that next year we’ll move to an evening program at the school. That way it’s still school-based, but we’ll have more time for fun and the important work in the circle. An evening time frame will also allow the boys going into high school to come back and continue to be part of the group.

Next time, we are going to put more energy into connecting with parents early on. We’ll meet with the parents once the boys are identified and have expressed interest in joining the group. We may hold an Open House at the beginning of the year, and then have additional gatherings during the year to keep the connection with parents strong. It will also give us another check on the boy's progress from the parental perspective. Community building is important in this work, and letting the parents make connections with other parents is a very good thing. It’s interesting to note that out of 14 boys we had in our group, only 4 of them were in stable, two parent households. There are a lot of parents who can use the support of a “tribe” too.

Finally, we’re going to do a more in-depth application package. We want more detailed parent contact information to do a better job of staying in contact with parents. We also want the permissions necessary from the parents to get more personal data on their boys from the school. In addition to knowing our young guys better, we can have approval for counselors to talk to us directly about their issues. In these ways, we’ll be even better equipped to give these kids the focused kinds of support they need.

I’m thinking that Dave and other good men like him, showing up for all “our sons” in these school-based initiatives, could represent the vanguard of a powerful movement to change the trajectory of the lives of boys, families, schools, and our communities.

If you are inspired to get a few men together to do something similar, send me a note or send Dave Bolduc an email. You never know what a very large difference this small action by a few men might make!

You can download a PDF copy of this post on the Man-Making website.

SUBSCRIBE: If you're not yet a subscriber to the Man-Making Blog, and you'd like to receive these posts by email 3-4 times a month, go to this link for a free subscription . Contact: Send Earl a message .

Take this quiz - Then Think About Becoming a Mentor

Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
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Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
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Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
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Name five people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
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Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

Best Actor
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Best Actress
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Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
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How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
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Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
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Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
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Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
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Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
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Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
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Easier? The lesson. The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care. Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles Schulz

Become a better father. Become a mentor. Volunteer where there's no recognition.

Sexism

Some of the beliefs and assumptions I was brought up with as a young man include: A) men have to be strong (physically and emotionally) and can't be vulnerable (such as asking for help or admitting you're scared/uncertain); B) the best way to handle conflict is by being (at the minimum) assertive, and (if need be) aggressive or violent; C) the best measure of success for men is money, power, and material possessions (including an attractive partner). My interest in your Man-Making website and blog grew out of a concern adult men may be unconsciously mentoring boys and young men in ways that perpetuate those views of manhood.

In my student presentations, I emphasize work, careers, and financial independence for girls/young women (traditional male roles) and I emphasize parenting and homemaking responsibilities and rewards for the boys/young men (traditional female roles). For both I encourage them to consider all the jobs/careers available to them, rather than restricting themselves to traditional male or female jobs/careers. I invite all men who are mentoring, or those with boys in your lives, to do the same. Watch for those subtle sexist messages in your exchanges with young men. - Tim Wernette

Building a Sweat Lodge

• Seasons Building a sweat lodge may be done at any time of year, but, for obvious reasons, Spring and Summer afford the best opportunity to obtain the fresh, green, supple saplings needed for construction. If one must build a lodge during the Fall or Winter, when saplings are more brittle, it will be necessary to soak the saplings in water for a day or two to ensure flexibility.
• Location Locate your fire pit first. The lodge should be close enough to the pit to readily transport hot rocks by shovel or pitchfork, but, obviously not so close as to endanger the lodge from the flames of the fire pit, at full blast. In the Pacific Northwest, we generally prefer to locate the lodge to the West of the fire pit, because we like to have the door facing the rising sun in the East. Follow your own beliefs and judgment.
• Framework The size of the lodge will dictate how many saplings and how large, but a practical lodge about 8' in diameter will hold about 4-6 people. This requires a total of 16-18 saplings, each 4'-6' long with a diameter at the base of 1"-1.5" with the other end tapering to a point. I prefer willow, quaking aspen, or poplars, but you may use any flexible sapling. Remove all leaves and twigs. After collecting your saplings, pick out 8 pieces of very similar length. Lay them out in pairs, with the pointed ends facing each other, and the large ends outward. Push them closer together until the pointed ends overlap by 1-2 feet. Using nylon string (rot resistant) lash them together. You should now have 4 flexible poles 8'-10' long. Two people should take hold of a pole, one on each end, and bend the pole into an arch and place each end into a small hole dug into the earth to keep the ends from readily slipping out. With at least one person holding the arch in a vertical position, bend another pole so that it crosses the first at a 90 degree angle in the middle. Seen from above, the two arches should form an X. Now lash them together at the center intersection of the arches. Each end should rest in a small hole, or small rocks may be temporarily placed in a position to prevent shifting. Now bend some of the loose saplings into a ring around the base of the lodge, forming a circle around the X. These should be flat on the ground, without bends or warps, if possible. After lashing them together into a base, and the crossed arches to the base, you should have the crude outline of a lodge. Tie 2 more pairs of saplings into 8'-10' poles and bend them into arches, fitting them into the circular base, between the original arches. Tension should hold them fairly well, while you lash them into place. You now have 8 vertical uprights, arching up to a central point and lashed to a circular base at the bottom. About a 1/3 of the way up from the ground, begin lashing saplings into a horizontal ring around the lodge. Be sure to leave an opening about 2' wide in this ring, on the side closest to the fire pit. This will be your doorway. Now make another horizontal ring 2/3 of the way above ground, all the way around the lodge, without leaving any openings. Add any other saplings for support and strength that you desire, but, they shouldn't really be necessary.
• Frame Covering The frame cover may be elaborate or simple. In the Pacific Northwest, we like to take burlap (obtainable from hop processing warehouses) and tie this to the frame. If this is not readily available, skip it. We like it for esthetics. Now cover the frame with a plastic tarp, such as the blue stuff sold in hardware stores. This is essential for good heat retention, and all my Native American friends use this in their lodges. If you have objections, you may skip this, but your lodge will probably have difficulty retaining heat. Finally, cover with at least one layer of blankets. We buy ours from thrift shops for a few dollars apiece. If you are wealthy, you may choose to add a decorative wool blanket or two on top, that feature Indian motifs, such as are made by Pendleton Mills, etc. If you are really flush, you may add a coyote pelt or other fur or animal item.
• The Door Finally, lash at least one blanket to the top piece of the doorway. I prefer 2-3 blankets, lying one atop the other, sewn slightly along the edges to form a thick, heavy door. In any case, the blanket must be considerably larger than the doorway, to form a good seal while the lodge is in use. The door is rolled up and left atop the entrance while the lodge is not occupied.
• Hot Rock Pit Dig a small pit about 2' in diameter in the center of the lodge. The Yakama Indian Nation actually prefer theirs to the left of the entrance. The pit may be dug before or after lodge construction, but before is most convenient. The pit should be lined with stones, or with steel (a cut section of pipe is ideal) or concrete (but concrete rings are darn heavy). This is necessary to keep the pit from caving in during use. the pit should be 6" deep, or so.
• Fire Pit This should be located outside the lodge, as mentioned above, and considerably larger than the pit inside the lodge. You must lay a decent base of firewood on the ground, under the pile of rocks. Then lay a good amount of fuel around the Rockville. Failure to do this will result in a fire which burns around the edges, but is insulated from the center by the rocks themselves. The results are cold rocks with hot edges. On the contrary, with a good base, fire is drawn into the Rockville, and upward, resulting in rocks that are hot all the way through. Warning!!! Never use shiny, glassy, or other brittle rocks that may explode when heated. Sandstone will also explode, as will shale and other types of slab basalt. Pumice or lava type rocks are usually ideal. They may brake, but will seldom explode. Neither I, nor anyone else, can monitor you for safe practices and safety is the number one consideration.
• Miscellaneous Considerations Your own sense of esthetics may lead you to prefer a location where there is a view. Or a stream may be nearby (excellent!). You may have a shrine or alter for the lodge area. We have actually built a 32' X 32' structure around our lodge; open to the sky on 1/4, for the fire pit, and roofed on the rest, to provide shelter from wind, rain and snow. Large windows allow a view and ventilation. You may have music, totems, art and decorations, etc. Accommodations for toilet, drinking water, etc. may be offered. We like to sprinkle cool water on the occupants of the lodge during especially hot sweats if some participants are susceptible to ill effects. We personally disfavor allowing children participate without their parents, for legal considerations. We discourage the use of alcohol, drugs, or illegal activities.

References

1) Mother Earth Spirituality: Native American Paths To Healing Ourselves and Our World, by Ed "Eagle Man" McGaa, HarperCollins Publications, 1990, pages 149-155.

2) Black Elk Speaks, by John G Neihardt, University of Nebraska Press, 1972

3) Lame Deer: Seeker of visions, by John (Fire) Lame Deer and Richard Erdoes, Pocket Books, Simon & Schuster,1994

Submitted by Tom Utterback at sagemenscircle@yahoo.com or www.sagesweatlodge.org or www.sagemenscircle.org

Performing the Sweat Lodge Ritual

Theologians divide religions into two broad categories: "Earth-centered", or primitive practices based on belief in spirits that dwell in trees, rocks, animals, etc.; and "Revealed" religions, which are based on doctrine according to a Prophet. Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, etc. are all revealed religions. These are of relatively modern origin; by far the most widespread practice, and the most ancient, are the Earth religions, of which Sweat Lodge is one.

The common form of Sweat Lodge does rely on prayers to a single, over-all Creator, or God. It is believed that the spirit of the Creator dwells in all things, literally, and thus, all things are related, we are all brothers. The Lakota use the term, "Mitakuye Oyasin" to refer to this brotherhood of all creatures, trees, rocks, air, etc. References are provided below, for further interest.

• Preparations After you have built the Sweat Lodge (see "Building a Sweat Lodge" at this site), gather a few dozen stones that are about the size of a soccer ball or less. Do NOT use shiny, brittle, rocks such as Obsidian or Quartz, etc. as these will EXPLODE in the fire and constitute an extreme safety hazard. We prefer volcanic lava-type rocks with lots of holes in them, such as pumice, or similar basalt forms. The fire must be built correctly, or the stones will not heat properly. The key is to lay down a good "base" of kindling, with plenty of small fuel on top of that. Then the stones are piled in a pyramid on top of the base, with larger firewood piled around the edges and on top. If the base is made right, the fire will burn in the middle first, drawing heat through the center of the pile and heating the stones all the way through. If the base is not put down, the fire burns around the edges of the rocks and they insulate the inner part of the pyramid from the heat. The result is lukewarm rocks that cool very rapidly when removed from the fire. We use a propane tank and weed burner to light our fire on several sides. Our local Yakama Nation medicine man does so, so we feel entitled to do the same. Purists can use a match.
• Beginning Prayers While the fire is burning, one may choose to perform Medicine Pipe rituals, Drumming, etc. These customs vary from tribe to tribe, with the Lakota probably being the most formalized in their practices. We usually just sit around and socialize. When the rocks are glowing red hot, use a pitchfork to remove the firewood, and lift the rocks, one by one, out of the fire and into the pit within the sweat lodge, being careful to observe fire safety rules. Have water available very near by for any mishaps. Use a fir bough, rolled up newspaper, or whatever, to brush off embers from the stones as they are put in (they smoke!). After about 6-8 rocks have been placed in the pit, put a container of water inside the lodge, where the "Water Pourer" will sit. Remove all your clothes, and wet yourself from a garden hose, nearby stream or pond, bathtub, whatever. Enter the sweat lodge on all fours, and take a seat on the place furthest from the door, allowing others to follow you in. The Water Pourer may well desire to light some sage, cedar or other aromatic at this point and "smudge" the lodge. Some tribes also "smudge" the participants before they enter the lodge with smoke from burning sage. I personally prefer this, it adds to the ritualism and bonding of the participants. While some lodges allow both genders to Sweat together, most tribes frown on this practice. I discourage this, myself, since it tends to distract from the spirituality. Make your own choice. Once all are seated and smudging is finished, the one seated closest to the door will close the flap when directed to do so by the Water Pourer. That individual will pour some water on the hot stones and make an opening prayer and greeting to the Creator. How much water is turned to steam and how fast is determined by the Water Pourer. This involves a responsibility to determine how much the occupants can tolerate and consideration must be given to children, if present, and newcomers, who are not used to the heat. I personally discourage macho sadism because it violates the spirit of the practice. Save the real "Montana" sweats for experienced members. After the Water Pourer has said his initial prayers he calls on each individual in turn, starting with the one closest to the door and working around the lodge. As each person's name is called, the Water Pourer adds a little water to the stones. When each person has finished his prayer he should say, "done", or an equivalent. After the last of the prayers, the Water Pourer should conclude with a ritual prayer or song. I personally always end a "Door" (or round) with an appeal to the Creator that when we open the door and let the steam out, I ask that it be carried to the ends of the Earth by the Four Directions, and that the Creator hear our prayers. Then we give a coyote howl in unison, and I say "Out", at which time the person sitting closest to the door will exit the lodge, and as each leaves, they should say "All my relations", or "Mitakuye Oyasin", or the equivalent in local dialect.
• Subsequent Prayers Generally, participants complete a total of 3 or 4 Doors (rounds), depending on local tradition and practice. In some locales, the first Door is reserved primarily for prayers for the world in general, the second for prayers for specific individuals (with water being poured as each name is mentioned, the third is for one's own self, and the fourth for anything. Songs may be sung, stories may be told, etc. throughout the practice. The Water Pourer holds an important position, and should be experienced. Often, he or she may be the Spiritual Advisor, Medicine Man, or other Mentor, but this is not necessarily mandatory. The more wisdom and experience the Water Pourer can muster, however, the better the experience for the participants. Between rounds participants may sit and cool off, douse themselves, and chat. Peace pipe, drumming, smudging, etc. may take place. Upon completion, put the fire out, unless the other gender is following immediately after.
• Important Considerations Prayers should ALWAYS begin with thanks to the Creator for the blessings we have. If you cannot think of any, the fault lies within yourself, as the great Tecumseh once said. At the least, give thanks for another day of life, another day of breath. Often, in the first round, I will say a prayer for the children, the future of our people, as well as for those who are ill, confused, lost and lonely, sick of heart and spirit. I use the term "those of the outside, looking in, let them find there way here". I pray for travelers, and those who could not be with us today.
• Never, Ever Charge Month for Sweat Lodge. May Your Lodge Burn Down if You Do! Donations of wood, sage, tobacco, blankets, etc. should be encouraged by those who use the lodge. It is traditional to bring a little tobacco, sage,or whatever. If participants do not donate enough wood to the lodge, it simply does not get used until someone does. Our lodge is usually overstocked and I don't have to ask for a dime. Native Americans NEVER evangelize. The assumption is that if a person shows up at the sweat lodge it is because the Creator has brought him here. Thus, no one is ever rejected, either. Lead by example.

God be with you. Tom Utterback

References

1. Mother Earth Spirituality-Native American Paths to Healing Ourselves and Our World, by Ed McGaa, Eagle Man, HarperCollins Pubs, 1990.

2. Rainbow Tribe-0rdinary People Journeying on the Red Road, by Ed McGaa, Eagle Man, HarperCollins Pubs, 1992

Submitted by Tom Utterback at sagemenscircle@yahoo.com or www.sagesweatlodge.org or www.sagemenscircle.org

Vision Quest

• Location Any place of relative solitude will do. It should be especially noted that one need not necessarily travel far from home to find solitude. Often one may find quite a bit of solitude on public lands, merely be traveling a short distance cross-country off the main trails and away from the main places of interest. The Western United States abounds in such geography, as do certain areas of the South. Although the Eastern seaboard tends to be denser in population, many areas of peace and quiet may be found within sight of major metropolitan areas. I prefer mountains, near water and sky.
• Time of Year  The more moderate seasons, Spring and Fall, are safest, although Vision Questing can be done any time of year with sufficient preparation and care. Be careful of extremes of temperature. 
• Preparations One should participate in a cleansing ceremony, such as Sweat Lodge, before beginning a Quest, and afterwards to give thanks. One should bring sufficient water to last throughout the Quest, and food, so that the participant may recover strength at the end of the Quest, in order to return home safely. Sufficient clothing and sleeping bags should be provided to protect from the elements, although traditionally the youth was often naked and exposed. Again, safety dictates protection from hypothermia or heatstroke.
• Procedure Contrary to common misperception, drugs and alcohol do NOT facilitate the Vision Quest experience. These substances cloud your vision, and impose their own artificial communication barrier between you and the Creator.
  
  The plan is to travel to your area of solitude and remain there for a period of days, usually 3-4, and wait for a vision or dream of significance to the participant. The participant does this while fasting entirely. In past days, the Native Americans have done this without partaking of water, either. This is extremely dangerous, however, and risks kidney failure and death. Consequently, most people bring water with them and do not eat any food. I recommend this highly, it does not detract from the experience.
  
  Also in the past, Native Americans have often had an elder, spiritual advisor, etc. who followed the participant and observed the participant at a distance, as a safety measure. Not only was dehydration and kidney failure less likely to occur, but the hazards of snakebite, falls, landslides and burns, etc. were ameliorated. If you can arrange for such assistance, fine, but if not, do not let it dissuade you. You can take a cell phone to use for emergencies.
  
  In my own Vision Quest, I found it extremely useful to reflect upon my entire past history and to speculate upon the meaning and significance of my life and those who have been in it. I also prayed a great deal and meditated. I asked that the Creator send me insight.
  
  The Lakota usually sought contact with their animal spirit as well. If you seek an animal totem it is ideal to do so during this time. Keep in mind that medicine men have always been skeptical of claims that Bear, Eagle, Wolf and other powerful totems have visited the participant. Your totem is just as likely to be an insect, or small mammal or other humble spirit. Such is nothing to be ashamed of; all can be instructive. My own experience led me to connect with Raccoon and Crow. 
  
  One can also expect to be given one's true name, more significant than that which our parents, and other members of society have given us. Presumably this comes from spirit, and reflects one's true identity. Again, you need not expect dramatic visions. I dreamed the rock I was sleeping next to spoke to me. It need not be a burning bush in the desert, like Moses.
  
  Focus on your Spirituality, the Creator and yourself. Pray to your ancestors, and consider yourself in relation to them in your meditations. What do all those generations mean to you? Think of all those ancestral campfires, the eons of storytelling around them, the challenges that came and went. What do your ancestors' sacrifices and struggles mean to you now? 
  
• Afterwards It must be understood that visions are not always seen, especially on one's first attempt. Also, it is very possible that one may have a dream weeks or months after the experience that is of significance. This happened to me; my Native American spiritual advisor told me that it was planted during my Quest, but my mind had not been receptive until subsequent Sweat Lodge participation made it available.
  
  If your Quest was not obviously successful, remember that at least you took time out. This is an extremely important concept: taking time out to reflect and exist. Be open to subsequent insight, and plan to try again. Even successful Vision Quests benefit from repeat trips in future years. Spiritual insight is an ongoing lifetime activity.

Reference 

Mother Earth Spirituality: Native American Paths to Healing Ourselves and Our World, by Ed "Eagle Man" McGaa, HarperCollins Pubs. 1990.

Submitted by Tom Utterback at sagemenscircle@yahoo.com or www.sagesweatlodge.org or www.sagemenscircle.org

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 You can make a difference!

He Played the Game

He was, he related, a man of my generation. A man who had been a husband, a father, a businessman. A man who had played the game by the rules as he, and most men of our generation, understood them. And now, he says, "I have lost."

His wife died more than a dozen years ago. His kids are grown. He no longer works. He has lost contact with his friends and acquaintances.

"I can't help but have the feeling that all my life I have worked to further myself for the benefit of my family, but now they are gone. So what does it matter?  I have played the game by the rules and I have lost."

He has considered, he wrote, all the standard answers. None of them has helped.

"I have stopped my volunteer work, nor do I attend church anymore. I do not exercise, play sports, entertain friends nor family, travel or do anything in which I once found so much enjoyment.

"Some people have said I should talk to someone, go see a doctor, do something. I find that easier said than done. I have always been the strong one, the leader, the quiet influence behind the scene.

"So whom do I talk to?  My children? They call me for support when they think of who can help them. My doctor?  He will think I'm some whiny old guy crying sour grapes. I'm sorry, but I have always been from that generation that said: If you have a problem, you fix it. My problem is that I have this problem, and for the first time in my life, I don't know how to fix it."

I have neither the credentials nor the temperament to deal with the problems of others. I have a low tolerance for self-pity. An impatience with whiny old guys. My approach to my problems, and to the problems of others, has been pretty much the same as his. Pretty much the same as for most men of our generation. If you have a problem, you fix it. We were the generation of men who never asked for help. And we took pride in that.

But if age does snot automatically give you wisdom, it sometimes helps you find empathy. And, if I do not have answers for the man who is asking "now what?" at least I understand what he is saying.

My guess is that there are a lot of men in our generation who are, or soon will be, asking "now what?"  Men wondering if they have lost. Men raised to play the game by the rules who now have discovered that the rules have changed and the scoreboard has lied. That the things that were supposed to be important turned out not to be.

There are, I'm sure, plenty of women with the same unanswered questions. Women whose husbands have died and whose children have gone and who wonder "now what?" But they seem better at coping when the rules of the game change. More likely to have a circle of friends. Less likely to worry that a doctor will consider them old and whiny if they ask for help.

As a man who also as raised to believe that if you have a problem, you fix it, I have no answers for the e-mail writer.

Maybe the best I can do is to let him know that he is not alone. That one man's quiet despair might just be the echo of an entire generation of men.

Source: Tribune Media Services. D. L. Stewart (59) is a columnist for the Dayton Daily News. Write to him c/o Tribune Media Services, 435 N Michigan Ave, Suite 1400, Chicago, IL 60611. E-mail him.

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